1) My pregnancy symptoms were diminishing
2) I had experienced some bright red bleeding a few weeks ago
3) Sometimes a mommy just knows
I know God was preparing me for the loss of this pregnancy. My hormones have been a bit elevated (I'm sorry, Beau) and I have been emotional, so God has given me time to process, grieve, and see how He glorifies Himself in the lives of His children- through hope deferred, I can lean only on Him and the promises of Scripture. I am not normally a sentimental person, but I cannot help thinking of what these babies would have looked like, how they would have said, "Mommy" and "Daddy", what their strengths and weaknesses would have been, and how they would have brought joy to our little family. This sentamentality was magnified during the process, which is painful. It is like labor, but with no baby.
However, I know God is sovereign. Now is a time in my life where words matter little and true faith is tested. I am resting in the peace He has given me. There are worldly consolations- the babies died because they were not physically normal, there is nothing I could have done differently, etc. Coming from a physician, these words placate my feelings of guilt and doubt. But God's Word is what continues to give me joy during this trial. While yesterday, I was able to grieve and pray and praise God for my husband's love and support, today I wake up still praising Him and thanking Him for His sovereignty. This is not because I am unfeeling or powerful in my own right, but rather the work of the Holy Spirit in me. He speaks truth to my soul and enables me to believe it. I praise Him for that! God hears the cry of every mother with a newly empty womb. He takes my burden and promises to give me rest. How can one not praise Him for such a promise? Suffering promises to bring character, and character, hope- and that hope does not disappoint. I have the hope of a future healthy baby, and I have the blessed hope of seeing both of those sweet little babies in heaven one day.
God gave us a time of rest and prayer with a brother and sister in Christ yesterday, which fed our souls. He also provided a sweet friend to stay with my children while I went to the doctor. He allowed my mom to come over to play with the children so Beau and I could rest. I see His hand in all of this.
The first Psalm I ever memorized is still my favorite, and appropriate for meditation now and always:
"For you created me inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are marvelous, and I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Ps. 139: 13-16