Heavenly Marriage: Part 4

I am still reading this book- savoring it slowly during my quiet times, praying about it and trying to apply it to my life. We are only on part IV, and I feel like there is so much more to share. Hopefully, we make it through together ;)

Three Kinds of Men

Ms. Pearl and her daughter co-wrote Chapter 8- "Wisdom to Understand Your Man". You may or may not agree with her assessment that there are just three types of man, and all men should fall within this scope, but I will share with you the summary of their ideas. Onwards!

1. Mr. Command Man-
This husband is a born leader. He will often be in a place of authority, and he generally desires that his wife support this authority. He needs his wife to honor and reverence him daily.

"A woman married to a Command Man wears a heavier yoke than most women, but it can be a very rewarding yoke. In a way, her walk as his help meet is easier because there is never any possibility of her being in control. There are no gray areas; she always knows exactly what is required of her, therefore she has a calm sense of safety and rest".

2. Mr. Visionary-
Your man is a "mover, shaker, and dreamer". He is neither stagnant nor dull. His ideas and plans may work out, but they may not. He loves to have a patient wife who will listen to his every idea.

"Every Mr. Visionary needs a good, wise, prudent, stable wife who has a positive outlook on life...The wife of Mr. Visionary should be just a little bit reckless and blind in one eye if she is going to enjoy the ride. If this is your man, you need to learn two very important things (beyond how to make an appeal). Learn how to be flexible, and learn how to always be loyal to your man. You will be amazed at how much happier you will be and how much fun life can be if you learn to just go with the flow- his flow. Life will become an adventure."

3. Mr. Steady-
This man is not extreme. He is a behind-the-scenes worker, diligent. You can always count on him to do what he says he will do, because he makes steady, wise decisions.

"He will selflessly fight wars that Mr. Visionary start and Mr. Command Man lead...Your husband's gentleness if not a weakness; it is his strength. Your husband's hesitation is not indecision; it is cautious wisdom."

Most men are a combination of these three. Even with a careful examination and diagnosis of your man as one of these three, the message is the same: seek to be a student of your husband and address his needs, strengths, and weaknesses before he has to beg you to do so. Any one of these three men can be "praised in the gates" if he has a wife who honors, respects, values, and loves him.

My own husband is a combination of "Mr. Command Man" and "Mr. Steady". I would encourage you to read Chapter 8 for an in-depth study of these three types of men, along with the Scripture that supports it.

Heavenly Marriage: Part 3

We all know one.

"By the time many women are entering their fortieth year, they are teetering on the edge of mental instability. They have spent several years of their life irritated at their husbands, daily feeling hurt and responding with coldness and bitterness. Instead of practicing being thankful and merry, they are practicing bitterness...
"In the course of time, as her edginess and moodiness grow, she realized that she can no longer control her nervousness. One day her "nerves" snap and she loses control, screaming like a crazy woman and calling loved ones terrible names...
"The disturbed woman expects her family to appease her and is offended when they act like life is just fine. God is visiting her soul with a terrible rot called madness. First, she is only mad at her husband. Years pass and she is mad at the family. As time goes on, she is mad at the church. Then she is mad at the mailman and the waitress. Practicing, always practicing, perfecting her madness. Mad, all the time mad. Madness." (62-63).

Well. That is quite the sobering picture. I told you, this book draws a line in the sand. Either you love it or you hate it.

I am thankful that I am getting to read it as a young wife. This "madness" temptation is a constant source of struggle for me, and I doubt I am alone. It is easy to fall into the trap of feeling hurt, ignored, disrespected, or discounted. Just because I feel that way does not mean it is true! Most times, it is not true at all. And the practicing of madness really does become insanity- living in a reality that is not there.

One thing I learned through trial, error, and imparted wisdom from women around me- marriage is work. I practice music. I practice language. I practice cooking and baking and mothering. I must also practice taking my sinful thoughts captive and replacing them with a treasured verse:

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things" Phillipians 4:8

Out with the garbage- the thoughts like He didn't even notice...He purposely left those socks there again...I made a new recipe and he hated it...blah blah blah. In with the honorable and lovely thoughts- He didn't say anything because he was playing sweetly with the children...Just pick up the socks, woman, and be thankful you have a man that comes home to you each night...Just because he didn't tell me he loved the recipe doesn't mean he didn't eat every bite, lovingly talking with me about our day over a family dinner.

Or something like that. Now, for every mad and bitter older woman who professes Christ, there are two or three dear saints who have heavenly marriages because they know the secret. They love to love their husbands. And their husbands adore them for it.

So what do you think?

Heavenly Marriage: Part 2

"When he first fell in love with you, you were a sweet little thing, full of laughter and fun. From the very bottom of your soul you were thrilled with him. Every day you woke up planning some activity that involved you both. Is he still married to the same sweet little thing, or have you become a long-faced, sickly complainer? Love is like a flower: you can't expect it to grow without sunshine. Has your lover seen your sunshine lately? Is he still your lover? What would he say?" (27).

Do you like being around a complainer? I don't. I try to steer the subject of a conversation toward a different direction if I am talking to a complainer.

If that complainer is me, though, I think the complaining is perfectly justified. Ha.

Men are attracted to femininity. They want to be macho, and they want us to be coquettish, lady-like, and flirty. Obviously, only with them. Obviously.

We all tried very hard to be the perfect "sweet little thing" for at least some part of our dating or courtship. Of course I am easygoing. Of course I want to watch that movie. Of course I want to spend my time doing whatever you want to do. Of course I am naturally cheerful. Because as most women in the dating pool know, if you are not easygoing and cheerful, there are plenty of women who are.

Ladies, the rules have not changed. There are still plenty of easygoing, cheerful, adulterous women out there. If we don't provide the light, cheerful, everyday company a hard-working man needs, there is a woman who will.

This is a hard thing to hear, but it is truth. Satan hates a solid marriage. What better way to destroy society than to break up God's picture of Christ and His bride?

But we wise wives know the truth. We have Scripture to go to battle with. "A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance" (Proverbs 15:13). Battle for your husband. Be cheerful. Be feminine. Be coy in the way you know that he responds to. No man wants to come home to a "long-faced, sickly complainer"!

Of course we all have our days. We are women. (If there is a random dude reading this post, my apologies. You are exempt). We have very real fluctuating emotions. The Lord has made us this way so we can nurture children and husbands. But woman, you pull yourself together before your husband walks in the door!

Nurture your sunshine. Read Scripture and sit quietly before the Father. Schedule some rest into your day. Feed yourself good food. Walk outside. Listen to soothing music. Have the children play quietly in their rooms, all by themselves. Take every negative thought captive. God gives us the grace and capability to do so through the Holy Spirit.

Practice truly does make perfect. If we are not practicing contentment and joy, it is very, very easy to fall into practicing bitterness and long-faced-ness.

Our men desire heavenly marriages, just like we do. Ask the Lord for wisdom in how to serve your husband in the way he needs most.

It is hard to resist a sweet thing.

Heavenly Marriage: Part 1

The quote from the end of my last post is from Debi Pearl. If you know of Debi, you probably could have called it.

She is a self-described "aged woman" who seeks to follow Titus II principles of "teaching the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the Word of God not be blasphemed".

Created To Be His Help Meet is the name of the book I am reading through for the third time. After the first reading, I decided I had to read this book at least once a year to remind myself of what God's plan is for me in my marriage.

A caveat: the Pearl theology is off. Our pastor calls their child-training book To Train Up A Child "To Train Up a Pharisee". No, you cannot raise a Christian. You cannot reach an unbelieving husband's heart all by yourself. God is the author and finisher of our faith, and our only responsibility is to "work out our salvation with fear and trembling" and to trust God to to the rest. So read her books, as you would read all books, with prayer and discernment regarding spiritual matters.

But do read this book for its sound advice on practical matters. Oh, please. Read this book, wives.

I will be posting snippets of this borrowed wisdom for a little series on heavenly marriages. You may not agree. That is ok. Feel free not to read. It is hard advice that she gives, but I do believe it is God's wisdom. For ultimately, we do not serve our husbands. We serve our Father. And He is making us fit for our ultimate marriage as the Bride of Christ. That concept is heady and too esoteric for me, but I can read and apply practical advice on how to be a godly wife.

I like the book because Debi doesn't sugar-coat things. It is the first marriage book I have read where I don't feel like I am waaaaay down here and others are waaaay up there. Do you know what I mean? This woman has a great marriage, but not because she paints herself as super-godly and nearly perfect. She has to work hard at serving a man- difficult, rough around the edges, built for domination, less-than-emotional man. That is what most of us have. Many of them are saved, many of them serve the Lord, but they are still human. And we have to be their perfect help-meets. Can it be done? It has to. Is it easy? Never. Will it bless your home and marriage to do so? You bet.

Here is today's snippet. What do you think?

"Women who have difficulties in their marriages usually follow their feelings and just react. But you must stop trusting your hurt responses or the advice you receive from the world, for today's media communicates a worldview that is skewed at best...A woman's calling is not easy. To allow someone else to control your life is much harder than taking control of it yourself. It can be a challenge, even for veteran wives. Don't despair. With wisdom from on high, you can be the woman God uses, if not to change that old man into a wonderful fellow, then at least to ease your own burden and become a heavenly bride fit for the Son of God Himself" (50)